Before having a child, my husband and I discussed how it would change our lives and in what ways we would need to support one another to make sure there was an even split when it came to childcare and our careers. Whilst I carried the baby, birthed him and had a period of time off for maternity leave, everything else has been evenly split down the middle ever since. We share the pickup and drop off responsibilities, we take turns to do the bedtime and bathtime routine, and we make sure that each of us gets down time in the week whether that’s time to go to the gym, to catch up with friends, or (in my case) go to the spa!
However, it has come to my attention over the last twelve months that it might not be as cleanly split as I first thought. The first thing I noticed, was that whenever there was a reason to contact us, my son’s nursery phones me first. Whenever our GP needs to get in touch about an appointment for my son, they phone me first. And, yes you guessed it, whenever there is an appointment of any kind – I am the first port of call. Whilst this might sound reasonable to most people, it’s worth pointing out that we purposely set my husband as the primary contact for most things as I don’t currently drive and it would therefore be my husband that would be collecting our son or taking him to an appointment or similar. Despite knowing this, I am still often the default person that is called whenever contact is required about the care of my son. Because I am the Mum.
The other day, whilst watching the programme Motherland, I finally found the term for it. It’s called The Mother Load. Whilst my husband and I do share childcare duties 50/50, an even split, there are hidden items that have naturally become my responsibility without a discussion having ever been had. I organise playdates, I book all medical appointments, I cook every meal, I buy Christmas and Birthday presents, I battle with getting my son to eat vegetables and fruit, I organise the Birthday parties, I sort the food shopping, I buy our son’s clothes, I sort the dentist and optician appointments and I also sort, plan and manage our very full calendar of activities and social events.
Even in couples who think that they have achieved an equal division of labour, the more hidden forms of care generally end up falling to the woman.
BBC Worklife
Cognitive Labour
Experts say that there are three different areas into which the Mother Load falls into. Firstly we have cognitive labour, which often consists of the practical elements of household upkeep. This could include the items I mentioned above. These are the physical items we plan and organise, to keep our household up and running efficiently. Sometimes – but not always – this also includes generic household chores such as the laundry, the cooking, the cleaning and the tidying.
Emotional Labour
Secondly, we have emotional labour. This includes taking into account the whole family’s emotions as well as worrying about your children and their general health and well-being. This one often lingers at the back of your mind, a constant from the moment your children are born.
The mental load
Then you have the mental load, a combination of the two labours where you find yourself preparing and organising everything to keep the plates spinning, adding in anticipation for future things and unforeseen circumstances. Most often than not, it is the woman/mother/wife of the household that tends to have to take on this responsibility, or that seems to naturally pick it up.
Whether it’s having the school lunches packed, the PE kit washed and dried, getting the kids out the door on time for school, rushing from one after-school club to another or attending parents’ evenings… it is very common for these types of responsibilities to fall to the Mother. All of these things can add up to form a very difficult mental load to carry – and it’s not uncommon to feel incredibly overwhelmed or run down due to it.
An increasing body of research indicates that, for household responsibilities, women perform far more cognitive and emotional labour than men.
BBC Worklife
So how do we help rebalance this within the family unit?
For some families, it might not need addressing. Rather, a simple acknowledgement and gratefulness towards the person that picks up the Mother Load would be enough to make that person feel like it isn’t a thankless task. My situation as it stands currently works well and I am a natural organiser and planner compared to my husband who is a lot more scatty and doesn’t enjoy life admin – as we like to call it. But when I need extra support, I ask for it and it is delivered. But there are things we should be doing to raise awareness of The Mother Load and help decrease it within society as a whole.
- Make it visible
In the same way, we’ve discussed it in this article, we should keep the conversation going. There are no physical means of researching it and there isn’t a way to collect data to get a bigger picture of the wider consequences it has on women – particularly those feeling that it affects their careers. The more we discuss our experiences with it, the more we can look into the effects it has across the population, laying a groundwork for how to tackle it in the future.
Recent reports on housework show women do 21 more hours of unpaid work than men. They may also spend the bulk of the day thinking about, planning and worrying about their families.
The Conversation.com
2. Acknowledge it
Now that we know that it’s a ‘thing’ and that it needs to be talked about more openly, the next step is for it to be acknowledged as something that impacts women and can have negative consequences in other areas of their lives including their careers. For example, during the pandemic, The Guardian reported that women do 21 more hours of unpaid work than men. When schools and nurseries closed due to COVID-19 it fell to women to home-school and look after children whilst balancing their jobs.
In 2019, women were doing far more unpaid work than men, the study found, with the gap being particularly large in heterosexual couples with dependent children.
The Guardian
Why does it matter?
Not only is it another stumbling block for women looking to achieve equality in their day-to-day lives and careers, but it is also a mental health issue that companies and the government should treat with importance. The Mother Load – also known as the Mental Load – is a huge burden, particularly for Mothers, and is something that needs to be addressed. There needs to be a change in approach in order for mothers to better manage the mental load, without having to go it alone.
Ultimately, the mental load is a mental health issue and companies and governments should treat it as such. This will unburden families, and particularly mothers, from managing the mental load alone.