Trigger warning: Suicide, mental health.
I love the buzz around International Women’s Day. It’s a chance to celebrate with my friends, attend special events and feel inspired and empowered.
Equity is what I personally strive for, so it goes without saying that International Men’s Day (which falls on Sunday 19 November 2023) holds equal importance to me.
Every year, there are three core themes in the UK. They are:
- Making a positive difference to the wellbeing and lives of men and boys
- Raising awareness and/or funds for charities supporting men and boys’ wellbeing
- Promoting a positive conversation about men, manhood and masculinity
One of the issues these themes aim to address is male suicide. Rightly so, as the numbers are shocking and male suicide is disproportionately high.
According to the 2021 ONS statistics, 74% of suicides were males in England and Wales. This is consistent with long-term trends. That alarming figure represents 4,129 sons, dads, husbands, brothers, or friends.
Signs that a man may be struggling with their mental health
Changes in behaviour can be a sign of poor mental health. These include:
- Using (or increasing use of) coping mechanisms such as drugs or alcohol
- Changes in character including aggression, irritability, taking risks or sudden anger
- Escapist behaviour, such working longer hours or harder than usual or is necessary
- Difficulty eating or sleeping, or eating or sleeping too much
- Being unable to focus or concentrate
- Becoming withdrawn and losing interest in socialising or participating
- Feeling hopeless, anxious or stressed, or talking about death or dying
- Not looking after their personal appearance
There may also be physical conditions such as headaches, digestive disorders, lowered energy levels or fatigue.
Talking to men about their mental health
There’s lots of useful information online about opening up meaningful conversations. Of all the websites I researched in writing this piece, I recommend Movember’s as a good starting place due to its simple four-step ‘ALEC’ method from R U OK? which I’ve summarised below.
ALEC stands for ask, listen, encourage action, and check in:
- Ask – start your conversation by asking how they’re feeling and point out any behavioural changes you’ve noticed. If the reply is ‘I’m fine’ ask again
- Listen – give them your full attention in a non-judgmental way. Don’t feel you have to diagnose problems or offer solutions. Ask questions to encourage open conversation such as ‘how long have you felt this way?’
- Encourage action – they might feel better if they can sleep well, do a bit of exercise, and eat healthily. Suggest they share how they feel with trusted friends or a professional, such as a doctor
- Check in – follow-up to show you care and gauge whether they’re feeling any better
Where to find help
Asking for help with mental health is a huge step for some men as it’s more accepted for women to talk about their emotions.
Below are details of some of the charities offering support. If your life (or the life of someone you know) is at risk and safety cannot be guaranteed, call 999 and request immediate help.
Samaritans are available 24 hours a day, 365 days a year on freephone 116 123. You can also email or write to them. Visit their website to find out more.
Men’s Minds Matters is a CIC passionate about suicide intervention and prevention. Their website contains thorough, but clearly and empathically written, guides for men who are feeling suicidal and anyone with concerns about a suicidal friend.
Campaign Against Living Miserably (CALM) offers support to anyone with suicidal thoughts via their helpline on 0800 58 58 58 or their livechat (5pm until midnight, 365 days a year)
Summing up
When I was younger, I often heard the phrase ‘man up’ and it always made me stop and think. Firstly, why should men feel pressured to power through adversity, illness, grief, heartbreak and more. Why was it frowned upon for them to show their emotions and not talk about, or seek help with, mental health problems? Secondly, women can also be tough when it’s called for, so why not say ‘woman up’ too?
Society urgently needs to stop expecting men to play the stereotypical strong role as this makes it harder for them to talk about their feelings, which is incredibly damaging. It needs to stop making people feel that admitting they’re not OK and seeking support shows weakness. To me, it shows enormous courage and bravery so should be treated as such. Let’s use International Men’s Day as a catalyst for change – who’s with me?