TRIGGER WARNINGS: mental health crisis, abuse/trauma of various kinds (including sexual), suicide, death and grief.
Last year, I went through a bit of an ‘episode.’ I’ve struggled with panic attacks, depression and bouts of chronic insomnia my whole life. Flashbacks and dissociation are common and they have, obviously, impacted both my work and my social life quite significantly.
I now work freelance and have done for years and, to date, it’s been the most effective method of both controlling my symptoms and finding a work-life balance I enjoy. So this time, I hit a couple of hard triggers, and for two weeks I could not get out of bed.
As soon as I could, I did my usual check-up with my health insurance counselling and hit a wall. The last time I went, I was diagnosed with complex trauma (CPTSD) I was elated! ALL the issues I thought were just an unlucky mix of separate issues, were, in fact, all linked! In retrospect, this is obvious and should not have taken so long to diagnose.
However, with the diagnosis my complimentary counselling (the real reason I have health insurance at all) is void. They cannot, and will not, treat complex trauma because of the short-term nature of the service and the long-term nature of treatment needed.
So, I went to my GP, who told me to self-refer to Dorset’s Steps2Wellbeing – another service I’ve previously used. They reassured me that they would reassess me, and did! Same result, definitely complex trauma. Three assessments and two phone calls in, I was immediately discharged.
“Sorry, we wish we could help, but it’s out of our hands.”
So they signposted me to another few services, all of which were either irrelevant or discharged me just as quickly. Click. Click. Click. The phone receiver hung up again. With a spark of hope, and a lot of tears, I called my sister who also suffers similar issues. She told me about the service she was referred to, Psychology Hub, but you could not self-refer; you needed GP sign-off. Fine. I called my GP again.
“The waiting list for Psychology Hub is currently…two years minimum. We can signpost you elsewhere in the meantime.”
Back to the phone calls, back to the numerous, well-meaning charities available, that DO provide excellent, and appropriate services for everything ranging from addiction to sexual trauma.
But I’m not an addict, and sexual trauma is not my primary issue.
One of the places I was signposted to was PARAGON, which was already shut down and its associated larger charity, The You Trust, is Portsmouth-specific. My GP knows I’m Southampton-based. I was discharged without an assessment because, of course, it’s Portsmouth-specific.
Again, “Sorry. We wish we could help and reaching out is difficult, but this is out of our hands.”
I very, very nearly gave up. A call with someone I care about left me in tears. I told her I was tired, frustrated and overwhelmed. She told me I was ‘wasting NHS time’ and ‘selfishly taking help from people who need it.’
“Bath salts! Journalling! Meditation!” she cried.
“Go for a walk” she protested.
“You aren’t really trying to help yourself” she spewed.
“Dissociation is normal, I’ve done it my whole life” she scoffed.
“I’ll check on you next week.”, her final, helpful, comment pipped, “to make sure you’ve meditated and made self-help plan.”
What she didn’t realise, although she knew, was that a month earlier I’d gone to a funeral.
He wasn’t even 40.
He’d slipped through the cracks, exactly the same way. With the lack of mental health support, after numerous attempts, my friend’s brother had successfully ended his life after a lifetime of suffering.
The service, was packed, and everyone seemed to feel the same thing. His sobbing wife and three children, his friends, his family, his church said ‘If only he’d called us instead’…’He’d been let down so many times, but if only he’d called us instead, maybe he’d still be here.’
Unlike many, he hadn’t opted for a ‘permanent solution to a temporary problem’ which sometimes is used to describe the tragedy of suicide. He’d quite decidedly chosen a ‘permanent solution to a permanent problem.’
He couldn’t get help, he’d tried. He’d tried… everything. Drugs, medication, bingeing, the church. He’d been sectioned previously, but never for long. He’d been offered therapy, but never for long. Mental health services were well aware of his issues.
I’m not wasting anyone’s time by asking for help. I have a chance to get better. If I’m still alive, there’s a chance I’ll get better, that it’ll BE better. He will never get any better. He’s stopped his lifetime of suffering, ended with suffering.
I’ve been where he was that night. And the night before. And the night before that. I’m not stealing anyone else’s support, I’m not wasting anybody’s time.
But I’ll be damned if I waste the coroners’ and the EMTs.
I doubled-down called my best friend and a few other friends, I told them what was going on. I got some private and personal referrals. I reassured them, no I’m not currently suicidal, but I have a tendency to go that way.
Get me help. Help me. I need help.
My whole life I’ve made every effort not to let people know when I’m in crisis and after that funeral, that ends now. My whole life I’ve made every effort to dissociate, and just not feel whatever I’m feeling, physically or otherwise, it’s happening to someone else, don’t know who, but that’s not me.
This time is different. It IS me. It’s NOT fine. I’M not fine. But I will be.
I started medication a few months ago. It seems to be helping and I’m still looking into private and funded treatment for long-term solutions. Currently, I’m hopeful as I’ve got a referral to CADATs but, if that goes south, I’ll be going for privately funded treatment. Luckily, I’m in the position to, but the irony of that is many people with complex trauma cannot hold down a steady job for obvious reasons, so cannot access and pay for the support they need and slip through the exact same cracks. I hope, once I’ve sorted myself out, I can contribute to plugging that gap and making sure treatment is accessible to those who need it.
If you are in crisis, please remember there ARE services that you can always call.
- 111 – non-emergency line for medical care
- 999 – emergency line for emergency services
- 116 123 – Samaritans
These are all services I have used in crisis successfully. There are plenty I’ve been less successful with, but those three for definite, I have gotten support from. Some that are inappropriate for me but may well help other people:
- Steps2Wellbeing – a fantastic resource in Dorset that can help many people, they specialise in anxiety, depression and phobias and have previously been very helpful even if they do not treat CPTSD and cannot help me further. They do treat standard PTSD
- Life Changes – is another fantastic resource based in Portswood I’ve previously used
- Universities – if you happen to be in higher education, most universities offer free counselling support and I would fully recommend using this if it’s available to you
- Yellow Door – Sexual trauma-specific and apparently exceptional care
- The You Trust – Portsmouth-specific but extensive support available